The Lord of the Rings Inbox
by Shadeehue
Summary: It is about a hobbit who has to destroy the one ring, if you want to know the rest, pick up a copy of the Lord of the Rings and read it. Crackish. Discontinued.
1. Frodo gets an email

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything, it's all Tolkien's. I'm really sorry about the shocking poetry I am not going to attempt anymore unless they are limericks. Please be nice and give me reviews and constructive criticism. This is sort of my first effort at writing fan fiction so be kind to me. By the way, evil fanfiction administration people removed my story 'because it violated the guidelines'….grrrr…I had to start all over again. I'm really sorry to anyone who I've managed to cause an inconvenience to!

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A wizened old man in gray rags sat himself inside a seedy internet café somewhere in Middle Earth and slipped the coin he had managed to scrounge into the computer and began typing.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com 

Subject: WARNING! IMPORTANT! This is not junk!

Dear Frodo,

I think that ring Bilbo gave you is the One Ring. It's very dangerous especially if you try to eat it. You'd better run. I think people who look very pissed off at you will be coming after you. By the way, don't wear it or else you'll become a flaming eyeball and try not to eat too many mushrooms won't you? 

Gandalf

* * *

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A frazzled looking chubby, cherubic young man typed on his laptop as he ran for his life. 

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com 

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

Subject: CYA!

Hey guys

I'm being chased by these crazy black cloaked people at the moment and they trashed my place so I'll have to make this quick. I don't know when I'll be back so I just wanted to say goodbye. I'll be at Rivendell if you need me.

Frodo

* * *

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Another young chubby, cherubic young man frowned in a very perplexed way as he began typing on his home computer.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover @theshire.com

Subject: We're coming too

Dearest Frodo

Are you all right? Merry, Pippin and I are really worried about you. We're coming along with you to take care of you so don't worry. You'll be safe with us around.

Your friend forever,

Sam

* * *

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Another chubby, cherubic young man sat in front of his home computer in nothing but his birthday suit and began typing.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

Subject: RE: CYA!

Dude, those crazy black cloaked people…did you sleep with their girlfriends or something? Tell me all the details! Don't worry, I'll come along too, I can help you talk your way out of anything.

* * *

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Another young chubby, cherubic looking young man who happened to be under the influence of a particular type of mushroom typed furiously on his lap top.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: RE: CYA!

Dude you're not going to some WILD ELVISH party without me!

* * *

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Frodo typed quickly on his laptop while he hid behind a tree from creepy men in black trying to sniff him out using their noses which happened to be non-canine and thus pretty useless.

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

Subject: What's happening

Pip and Merry, 

I did not sleep with their girlfriends Pippin. I think the men in black are all gay with each other. I mean who wears coordinated matching outfits? Their PMS would explain why they are so pissed though… Anyway when we get to Rivendell, be on your best behaviour. Elves are different to you and me. So Merry, DO NOT GET HIGH ON YOUR MAGIC MUSHROOMS!

Frodo

* * *

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An unkempt looking man chain smoked as he sat in front of a computer with a hood pulled over his head in the sleazy internet café of Bree and started typing.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com, MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com 

From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

Subject: IMPORTANT! You have to follow me

I am a friend of a friend of yours. I think you know him as Gandalf. He is held up at the moment so he wanted me to guide you dwarves to Rivendell. He also wrote this poem for you. 

All that is gold is will glitter,

All those who wander in their mind are lost,

You should always pick up your litter,

To prevent global warming and something that rhymes with lost,

Try not to be so outspoken,

Too many people want the ring,

Strider a.k.a. Aragon has a sword that is broken,

So use him to help you, he's an uncrowned king.

* * *

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Frodo tapped busily on his laptop, finally having found some warmth and safety in a room in the Prancing Pony Inn whilst the smelly hooded man continued chain-smoking as the other hobbits played a game of strip poker, ignoring the frustrated screeches of the crazy men in black.

To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com 

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

Subject: RE: WARNING! IMPORTANT! This is not junk!

Geez Dude

You could have told me earlier! These crazy black cloaked people trashed my place after you emailed me. Sam, Merry and Pippin decided to tag along and you forgot to tell them not to eat mushrooms, especially Merry! He got high on his special hallucinogenic ones! Those crazy black cloaked people nearly sniffed us out! There's this really smelly guy called Strider telling us to follow him and he called us DWARVES! Is he for REAL? Why is he carrying a broken sword anyway?

Frodo

* * *

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A very pissed off looking Blonde elf typed swiftly on his computer; he had issues to confront…

To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

Subject: You're going DOWN!

YOU OLD COW!!! Just go steal my role because you are next to nothing in the book! I hope all your hair and teeth fall out and I sooooo did a better job than you did! Just because you have a powerful Daddy… 

* * *

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A very pissed off looking elf maiden with black hair typed a reply…

To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

Subject: Up yours JERK

You're just jealous because I get all the credit in the movie. Anyway I'm more photogenic and who are you calling old you old fart!

* * *

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Glorfindel scowled but still managed to look beautiful as he did that because he was an elf and typed.

To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

You are sooo not more photogenic!

* * *

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Arwen pouted her surgically enhanced lips and typed with a vengeance. 

To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

AM TOO!

* * *

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Glorfindel continued looking smolderingly outraged as he typed viciously.

To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

AM NOT!

* * *

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Arwen pouted some more as she typed quickly.

To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

AM TOO!

* * *

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Glorfindel smirked as he typed triumphantly.

To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

AM NOT times infinity! Ha beat that!

* * *

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Arwen's lower lip started to tremble as she typed sulkily.

To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com 

From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Up yours JERK

I'm telling Daddy! HMMPH


	2. Off to Party at Rivendell

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong to Tolkien. However, I do own the email addresses. They don't really exist so don't try writing to them. Please keep reviewing. They (evil guidelines Nazis) said that this piece had no story line so that's why I had to put in the omnipresent third person narration stuff.

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Frodo tapped angrily on his laptop while he rested in a beautifully furnished room. 

To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com 

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

Subject: WHERE were you??

Gandy,

Where were you when I needed you?? Stinker was totally incompetent with that broken sword of his. We only barely managed to escape cause Sam threw his flaming saucepan at those crazy black…I mean Nazgul, well that's what Stinker said it was. Also I got stabbed by that…thing so you and Stinker are going to have to pay for my medical bills because I'm holding you both responsible. By the way, how did Stinker manage to get himself such a hot girlfriend? 

Frodo

* * *

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Gandalf, who happened to be sitting next to Frodo's bed, typed quickly in response.

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com 

Subject: RE: WHERE were you?

I was stuck with Saruman for your information. He was so upset about his break-up with Sauron, he wouldn't let me go until he told me all the details…. Dumb snivelling girl… Apparently they'd met in a chatroom or something like that. I always told him that Internet relationships were a bad idea, you never know who or what they look like until they try to kidnap you or something like that. 

By the way, I am not going to pay for your medical bills. If I had any money, I would buy myself NEW white robes! Strider is going to have a bloody kingdom's treasury of his own soon so let HIM pay Lord Elrond's medical fees. I have no idea how Strider got hooked up with Arwen either. Don't call him Stinker, it hurts his feelings and he soaked my robes this afternoon with his weeping. (Do I look like an AGONY AUNT or something!?) He's actually pretty good with a WHOLE sword so try not to piss him off too much! I heard he's getting it fixed so be warned!

* * *

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Aragorn looked around stealthily as he typed quickly on the computer. Elrond had banned him from using all the computers in Rivendell.

To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

Subject: Did you miss me?

My dearest love,

Did you miss me? I have to say, I missed those amazing nights we had together. *wink wink* Elves sure have a lot more experience with this kind of things than humans if you know what I mean…. ; ) Are you doing anything tonight? I'm getting really hot right this moment. Can't stop thinking about you. 

Aragorn

* * *

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Arwen grinned as she typed swiftly on her computer.

To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: Did you miss me?

I wasn't going to do anything tonight but now…I'm wearing the purple sheer negligée that you like so much. Come over now, Daddy is busy so he won't catch us out. 

Arwen 

XXOOXXOO

* * *

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Pippin typed with a thoughtful expression…

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

Subject: What are YOU doing tonight? ; )

Hey Blondie,

Is that an arrow in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? I'm in the room with the curly plant decorations on the door. The bed is very comfortable… ; )

Pippin

PS I will rock your world or at least the bed. 

* * *

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Merry took another swig of his fifth wine bottle and stared at it in confusion as it had somehow emptied itself… He shook his head, the world was spinning dangerously fast and started typing.

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Doing anything tonight?

Hi Legolas,

Has anyone told you how hot you look in green and brown? But I think you would look a lot hotter without anything on. I'm in the room with the curly plant decorations on the door. I have a bottle of Elvish wine for us to share.

Merry

* * *

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A gorgeous looking blonde elf typed on his laptop shaking his head. He had no idea how those weird little short men had managed to get hold of his email. Why couldn't it have been a bevy of beautiful elf maidens?

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

Subject: I am not doing anything

Gentlemen,

Please kindly refrain from sending me suggestive invitations or pornography. You might have noticed that all Elven males also wear their hair long, not just the females. I am afraid that I will have to decline both your invitations as I do NOT want to do anything tonight with little men who only reach up to my waist. Elven women are more my thing because a) they are a lot prettier b) are more matured and subtle in their advances and c) have a lot more experience than a bunch of half-grown hobbits. 

Yes Merry, many people have told me that green and brown are my colours. No Pippin, I do not have any arrows in my pocket, I keep them all in my quiver. Seeing you does not bring me great joy either. I do not know what they said about big feet and I do not wish to find out. Please stay at least ten feet away from me in future.

Yours truly,

Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood

* * *

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Pippin scowled at the computer screen at first, and then an ingenious thought came out of no where and thumped him on the head and he began to type.

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

Subject: Stay away from Legolas

Next time try to hit onto your own elf! If it hadn't been for you… Why don't you try that big hairy guy, Boringmir or whatever his name is? I think he likes you plus he has a pretty big horn for you to blow. 

* * *

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An extremely hung-over Merry stared blearily at the screen and started typing.

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Legolas is all yours

I wasn't the one asking if he had an arrow in his pocket. Besides that elvish wine was really really strong. In fact I didn't even remember sending him that email. That Arwen is pretty hot isn't she? I really don't see what she sees in that Stinker dude though. So what is that Boringmir's address? 

* * *

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Pippin smiled smugly as he typed his reply.

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

Subject: Boringmir's address

His email address is: blow_my_horn6996@stewardsofgondor.com 

He sounds like a very fun-loving guy. I think you both have a very encouraging future together so try not to spy on Legolas when he's having a BATH. Mushrooms don't grow underneath his bathroom window. You know why I know that? Because that is what I use as my excuse to be there. If you try to spy on him again…you'd better start watching your mushrooms.

* * *

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A very angry looking Elf Lord frowned ferociously as he typed angrily on the computer keyboard.

To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

Subject: Arwen

Young man,

If it wasn't for Arwen threatening to kill herself, which, by marrying you she will be doing anyway, I would have hung you up by your thumbs, skinned you, chopped off all your dangly bits and broken every bone in your body before feeding you to Shelob. 

Stay away from my daughter, she is much too old for you and you both share ancestors. She is your great-great-great-great-great-great-you get the idea-aunt so that makes what you both were doing incest. I will not allow it and if it happens again, I will use Vilya on you. Do not try to hide behind Arwen, do not try to run. I will hunt you down wherever you are and I will get you when you are all alone by yourself. Arwen deserves much better than you, (BIG HINT: someone who is immortal) and unless you can find the Philosopher's Stone by crossing over to the other side and back which is pretty much impossible, I shall never approve of you. Consider yourself out of the picture or consider me the Father-in law from hell. 

I hope I have made myself clear.

Elrond Halfelven

Lord of Rivendell 


	3. Moria, wine and dancers, what else could...

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Disclaimer: I own the email addresses and that's about it. Everything else belongs to Tolkien. I'm kind of doing this at midnight so if there are heaps of errors, sorry but I wanted to get this mostly up for everyone to read. 

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Lord Elrond smiled happily as he typed away. All these unwelcome misfits were finally going to stop trashing his beautiful home and hopefully come to an unfortunate end, especially Aragorn.

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com , Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com , NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com , MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com , DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com, Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com , Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor .com 

From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

Subject: Your mission

Attention all,

You have all volunteered or have been nominated by your peers to be the Fellowship of the Ring. It is a great honour to be bestowed upon you so behave as such (Aragorn, especially you). We request that you do not ride into villages burning, pillaging and carrying off their women. It is rather unsavoury and will give us "good ones" a bad name. 

The aim of this mission is to destroy the One Ring that you have in your possession. Do not try to eat it! Just because it is gold, doesn't mean there is chocolate inside it. Try not to wear it either or else you will turn into a flaming eyeball. One flaming eyeball is bad enough but a pair?! DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT allow flaming Sauron to get his hand/tentacles or whatever it is on it. Watch out for Orcs. It is quite easy to identify them; they look like ugly, overgrown dwarves (no offense Gimli). The Nazgul are still on the prowl so look out for men in black. They will all try to kill you. 

The fate of the world depends on the success of this mission (no pressure) so think before you act. We are vastly outnumbered 99999999999 to 1 so try to look inconspicuous and worse come to worse, get Legolas to seduce them. May the force be with you.

Elrond Halfelven

Lord of Rivendell 

* * *

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A short, stumpy dwarf buried under a mound of snow pulled out a laptop from under his beard and started typing.

To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com 

From: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com 

Subject: Journey Route

Gandalf the Grey,

I would suggest a route that goes through the Mines of Moria in order to avoid freezing to death courtesy of Saruman. My cousin Balin, the Lord of Moria will give us food and shelter if he is still living there. If not, I'm sure the other occupants, the Balrog and Goblins would be kind enough to provide for us. 

Gimli

Son of Gloin 

* * *

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Pippin grinned maniacally as he typed excitedly on Merry's laptop in pitch blackness .

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com , Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com , NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com , MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com , Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com , Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor.com , Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com , Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com , GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com , Gollum my_preciousss@smeagol.com , Bellerog dominatrix582@minesofmoria.com , Bill the_pony@theshire.com , Count Dooku otherwiseknownas_saruman@isengard.com , Eye of S*A*U*R*O*N flaming_eyeball546@mordor.com , Nazgul men_in_black09@ringwraith.com 

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com 

Subject: PARTY!!!

Hey everyone, 

You are all invited to my party. It is gonna be faabulous! Drinks and music will be provided but you'll have to bring the chicks (so far, only two are invited). Bring as many friends as you want, heck, even bring your family! It starts after dinner and is being held in Balin's Tomb, Mines of Moria. 

* * *

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A big snobbish looking man drank a cup of extremely strong coffee, his head throbbed furiously, and typed slowly.

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

From: Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor.com 

Subject: post party

Yo Merry,

What's up? That was some party last night (it was last night right?) wasn't it? I haven't partied that hard in ages! Pity about those goblin gatecrashers though, kicking us out like that. They didn't have to be so upset about not being invited. They were pretty nasty to Gimli's cousin too, decimating him like that just because he couldn't pay his rent. But that brawl between Gandalf and Bellerog was pretty impressive! She was getting pretty feisty with all that fire breathing and whip-cracking. That was some tabletop dance Legolas did wasn't it?

So when do you want to start the private fencing lessons?

Boromir


	4. Conspiracies and the Elvish Mafia

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the email addresses, I'm not intelligent enough to invent anything else. It's all Tolkien's so give him a round of applause. Everyone feel free to give me suggestions for email addresses. I might mix and match a bit though, but I will dedicate the chapter to you as acknowledgment. You can make the addresses as outrageous as you want as long as it still holds some relevance to the character and the story/movie. This chapter is dedicated to lil-lost-one and Tarilenea (did I spell it right?) because they rock and they gave me heaps of suggestions that I used for Galadriel's email. Please keep reviewing, I will be your best friend forever and I'll shut up now because I've crapped on for way too long. 

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Legolas sat in front of the computer, his head was killing him and he could hardly remember what had happened at the party so he started typing in the hope that some of it might start coming back.

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

Subject: Great Party

GREAT PARTY! Had a rather disturbing dream about doing some table top dancing in front of everyone though…

* * *

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Merry sipped at his third bottle of Elven wine, they were a really good cure for hangovers. He started typing…

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Party

Dude, GREAT PARTY, can't remember a thing except for Blondie's dance! He's ruined me for life though; no one else will ever be able to live up to his standards!

* * *

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Strider snatched Merry's laptop away and started typing.

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

Subject: EXCELLENT PARTY

Mate,

That was one hell of a party, can hardly remember a thing! Had no idea, Legolas could dance like that, maybe he could give Arwen a few tips…

* * *

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Frodo pulled out his laptop and started typing an email to Sam who happened to be next to him, staring with adoring puppy eyes. 

To: Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com

Subject: Gandalf

Is it my imagination or is Gandalf never around when you need him because no one knows what we're meant to do and where we're meant to go. All Aragorn wants to do is get it on with Arwen, Legolas wants to hide under a table, Pippin wants to seduce Legolas, Merry and Boromir keep running off to have their private fencing and horn blowing lessons and Valar knows what Gimli wants to do with small furry animals. This Fellowship is in shambles, the stupid ring isn't even made of chocolate and I swear you and I are the only sane people in middle earth. Creepy, fishy, grandpa is still stalking me. Do you think I can convince Gimli to get rid of Gollum if we figure out how to make fur grow on him?

* * *

__

Elrond typed, deleted and retyped. 

To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

Subject: WARNING: 8 morons on their way!

Dear Galadrial,

Greetings my lady. I apologise very much for the tragedy that has occurred, I am afraid that I just didn't have the infinite patience and tolerance that you possess in order to deal with it properly. I do grieve and blame my mortal lineage. You see I have been having trouble with a certain dynasty (that idiot Isildur) since the War of the Rings and now the current heir is violating my daughter who is also your granddaughter. I hired a Balrog named Bellerog who was meant to decimate Aragorn while she was in disguise as an exotic dominatrix. My ingenious plan did not work since she was so drunk she tried to annihilate a senile old wizard instead. I beseech you to search for some measure of humanity in your noble elfin being and assist me in killing Aragorn (which I have every right to do as an enraged and wronged father). 

Yours sincerely,

Lord Elrond Halfelven

PS By the way, eight morons are on their way. They will trash your place if you allow them to convince you to have a party. They need help. Lots of it!

* * *

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A beautiful blonde Elf lady frowned disapprovingly at her computer screen as she typed furiously. She wasn't in a good mood, having just asked her mirror "who was the most beautiful elf of all". It had answered Legolas. Arwen she could handle because she'd run up enough medical bills on facelifts, etc. But that au natural boy who was undeniably blessed with good looks but had never had to lift a finger to maintain it! It was not fair! Some people just had all the luck!

To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

Subject: RE: WARNING: 8 morons on their way!

Elrond,

I am a full-blooded elf so I'm very sure that I do not have a trace of humanity in me. I hope you do realise that I am your superior and that I am not going to do your dirty work for you so you can shove it up your ass. Besides, what do I care about Arwen? She is an ungrateful brat that never comes to see her Gran. Where does she think she gets her good looks from, they're definitely not from your side of the family. If you do insist in getting rid of that smelly, horny human, could you do it after the one ring is destroyed because I see a usage for him in the process. He accidentally impales himself on a tree branch whilst running away from a horde of angry chickens and thus gives the narcissistic ringbearer a place to hide. Or it might be the other human…heck they all look the same… Make sure there are some good looking morons in the lot you're sending over. Celeborn is getting a bit too much in touch with his feminine side for my liking. He keeps trying on my clothes! 

Lady Galadriel of the Golden Woods

* * *

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Elrond typed very carefully, this was going to be his last hope after all.

To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

Subject: Help

Lord Celeborn,

I ask you as a fellow Elf Lord to assist me in protecting my only daughter's chastity from further damage. Could you please command some of your archers to shoot Aragorn. He is tall, smelly, and unkempt with brown hair and grey eyes. If your archers can't tell him from the other human, just shoot both of them anyway. I know you are much more compassionate than your wife who is usually very wise. Unfortunately, she still holds a grudge against me just because I am ringbearer as well. I trust that you will do the right thing. I will be forever in your debt.

Sincerely yours,

Lord Elrond Halfelven

* * *

__

A stern looking blonde Elf Lord laughed derisively as typed a reply to his son-in-law's email. Why did Elf maiden lingerie have to be so bloody itchy and the dresses so comfortable?

To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

Subject: No

Lord Elrond,

Give me ten good reasons as to why I should wipe your little snotty nose and kill a mortal for you because that mortal is going to die eventually. I should be kicking your sorry little ass all over Hobbiton. What should I care about your daughter's chastity when you were the one who destroyed my daughter's in the first place? I know Arwen is my only granddaughter but she never comes to see her Gramps, she doesn't even bother to send me a birthday card! That really pains me.

Lord Celeborn of the Golden Woods

* * *

__

Elrond stared at the computer screen for a long time before finally typing once more.

To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

Subject: RE: No

Lord Celeborn, 

You asked me to give you ten good reasons as to why you should kill Aragorn for me. I shall give them to you. First of all, I am your only son-in-law so that makes me almost your son. Secondly, You have a family obligation. Thirdly, I have a ring of power and you don't. Fourthly, that makes me your superior. Fifthly, Aragorn is tarnishing your family's reputation. Sixthly, you'll have to live with the guilt forever. Seventhly, you need to step out of Galadriel's shadow. Eighthly, you are not as terrible as Galadriel. Ninthly, because you should and finally, because of all the reasons listed above. I trust that they are acceptable and valid reasons. 

Lord Elrond

* * *

__

Celeborn held onto his aching sides as he tried to catch his breath. He started typing.

To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

Subject: FWD: RE: No

I think you'll find this very amusing, Elrond sent this to me.

Lord Celeborn, 

You asked me to give you ten good reasons as to why you should kill Aragorn for me. I shall give them to you. First of all, I am your only son-in-law so that makes me almost your son. Secondly, You have a family obligation. Thirdly, I have a ring of power and you don't. Fourthly, that makes me your superior. Fifthly, Aragorn is tarnishing your family's reputation. Sixthly, you'll have to live with the guilt forever. Seventhly, you need to step out of Galadriel's shadow. Eighthly, you are not as terrible as Galadriel. Ninthly, because you should and finally, because of all the reasons listed above. I trust that they are acceptable and valid reasons. 

Lord Elrond

* * *

__

Galadriel wiped tears of mirth from her eyes as she typed a reply. She had to stop every now and again in order to recover from hysterics.

To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

Subject: RE: FWD: RE: No

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahah! I have never laughed so hard until I cried until now. This is hilarious; you have to send me more stuff like this.

* * *

__

Celeborn smiled smugly, he loved having power over that arrogant ring-bearing son-in-law of his and started typing with much satisfaction. 

To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com 

From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

Subject: RE: RE: No

Ha, I haven't laughed so much in ages! Even though there are about three valid reasons, the answer is still NO! 


	5. Entry to LothlorienDENIED

****

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns everything except the email addresses. I take credit for them, even the ones that other people thought up of for me. *Grins evilly* Also a BIG thank you to Lou who checked my disgraceful spelling!

__

A blonde Elf smirked at the rag tag band of Middle Earth characters as he typed on his computer. 

****

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com , Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com , NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com , MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com, Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com , Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor .com 

From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

Subject: Access to Lothlorien DENIED!

Attention all,

Lothlorien has a policy in which trespassers are prosecuted. If you insist on returning in the middle of the night with grappling hooks and attempt to sneak past me, you shall be shot. Especially you, you vertically challenged dwarf. Your hearing and eyesight happens to be near non-existent so that is why I can type this without fear of retaliation as I know you won't understand what is going on. If you happen to have any important information for the Lord and Lady who dwell within these woods such as the latest must have shoes, you may relay them through me. Just click on the reply button and I will forward it to the Lord Celeborn or the Lady Galadriel. Unless you have the password necessary to pass into the realm, run along now.

Yours sincerely,

Haldir

Elf with an important position

* * *

__

Gimli squinted at his laptop, damn those prosthetics he had to wear on his face! He couldn't hear or see anything anymore. Thank goodness his Mum made him learn how to touch type in the dark mines at home. He started typing.

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

From: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com 

Subject: What happened?

Sorry, I missed everything that was going on. What did that Elf want?

***

__

Legolas grinned at the computer mischievously, displaying his many dimples and started typing.

To: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com 

From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

Subject: RE: What happened?

Gimli,

Haldir was saying that he wasn't allowed to let us go into the Goldenwoods however, he would let us through if he got to know you a little better. I really think he is very attracted to you. If you think about it, Elf males are much better than female dwarves because they are a lot prettier and have no facial hair… You didn't hear it from me, OK? 

Legolas


	6. The one about the Trolley

****

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the email addresses, it all belongs to Tolkien. If you have any good ideas for email addresses send it to me or put it in your review. I will consider it and dedicate the chapter to you. I probably won't be updating for a while because I have a lot to do at the moment with all the music I do and still trying to catch up on a weeks worth of Chemistry and math. In fact I should be doing homework now but I got sick of it. Sorry this is going to be a short chapter. . Please keep reviewing! Lou, the trolley was inspired by you…

__

An emaciated wrinkly creature stalked the remains of the fellowship as they walked around Lothlorien, trying to figure out a way to get in. He hadn't eaten in days and everything had begun to look eerily like raw fish, especially that pretty little hobbit's fingers… Being the disturbed, schizophrenic person he was he borrowed Frodo's laptop while the hobbit peacefully slept and began to write an email to himself. 

To: Gollum my_preciousss@smeagol.com 

From: Gollum my_preciousss@smeagol.com 

Subject: My preciousss…

My preciousss,

It isss ssso closse yet sso out of reach… That pretty Bagginsss hobbit keepss trying to eat it. He doess not know how to treat it! And the sstupid fat hobbit keepss following him around like a limp fissh…I am hungry, fissh would be nice… I cannot get closse enough to pretty Bagginsss to take away my preciouss from him. Why do they hang around ssilly elvess sso much? They wear too many sshiny clothess, they hurt our eyess. Much better to run around in a little loin cloth…

* * *

__

A very irritated looking Frodo popped another handful of Merry's homemade-dried-magic-mushroom- painkiller pills. His shoulder was still hurting from that stab the crazy black-cloaked guys gave him and he decided to buy that useful looking compact, foldable trolley the ugly little Orc was trying to sell him. His fingers typed swiftly…

To: Trolleyorc ugly_lil_orc@orcsrus.com 

From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

Subject: Trolley Order

Dear Sir or Madam (are there such things as female Orcs?),

I would like to purchase one trolley model Bl-960. Would it possible if you accept payment in the form of one fat hobbit or one wrinkly creature? Perhaps a nice fat pony called Bill? I am sure that they would make a very nice nutrient meal. By the way, when will my trolley be delivered? 

Yours sincerely, 

Frodo Baggins

Ringbearer

* * *

__

An ugly little Orc who just happened to have the name of Milton frowned at his PC and typed a reply…

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: Trolleyorc ugly_lil_orc@orcsrus.com

Dear Customer Frodo,

Your trolley will be delivered in the next half-hour but you'll have to pay extra for express delivery. I am very insulted and hurt by your stereotyping of my people, the Orcs. We are generally peaceful until provoked or given a substantial reward in return or because we aren't too keen on getting our heads chopped off or if we are just feeling particularly feisty. I object to your belief that all Orcs are carnivorous cannibals (I happen to be a strict fruititarian) but unfortunately, you are my one and only customer so I'm just going to have to serve you without complaining. I will however accept the payment of the pony called Bill so that I might experiment on it and see if it is possible to produce a new type of trolley - a pony on wheels. If you have anymore queries feel free to contact me. If you have any complaints about my product you can go jump into the Mountains of Doom for all I care. 

Milton the Trolleyorc

Boss, Manager and Director of the Trolleyorc Company

* * *

__

Merry started rolling on the ground with laughter as soon as Frodo received his package from the Trolleyorc Company. He picked up Frodo's laptop and started typing…

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Trolley

Dude,

You got a trolley? How sad is that? Why, is Sam starting to realise that the only reason why you let him hang around with you is because you want him to wait on you hand and foot so he stopped lugging your laptop around for you? Hehehe…TROLLEY TROLLEY TROLLEY TROLLEY!

* * *

__

Pippin pissed his pants laughing at Frodo and his trolley and started typing…

To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com 

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com 

Subject: This reminded me of you

Dude, you know that song that goes "CLANG CLANG CLANG goes the TROLLEY"? It is now your official theme song. I don't think your "but it's the doctor's orders" excuse is going to work this time either…Elrond kind of happens to be a hippie long-haired geriatric quack-doctor who wears his hair long, silk and tiaras in case you failed to notice. Cheers …TROLLEY TROLLEY TROLLEY TROLLEY!

* * *

__

Galadriel stared into her bird bath a.k.a., her mirror. How on Middle Earth did Legolas manage to achieve that perfect sleek blonde hair look? Damn he looked hot in woodland garb! She really wanted to know his secret and besides, it was time she taught Haldir a lesson so she started typing…

To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

Subject: For Goodness sake let them in!

As your ruler, I am telling you to stop playing your little perverted power games and let that group of morons in. And don't let them get hurt, there are some future uses for them, especially the King of Mirkwood's spunky son. I can see that he will make an excellent toy boy for _me_. Be nice to the poor little dwarf and I demand that you apologize and take him out to a romantic candlelit dinner or else I _will_ let you become one of Celeborn's toy boys. By the way, I've decided to change the password again for the sixteenth time this morning, it's now "Galadriel is the coolest".


	7. Advice columns and spankings that sounds...

****

Disclaimer: I do not own anything (Tolkien owns it) and being penniless isn't exactly helping my position. I do however, own the email addresses and feel free to give me suggestions. I'm really sorry I haven't updated in ages but I had exams and I've been doing really badly this term but anyway, I'm on holidays now and I'm not going to think about them anymore and I am going to try to put up as many new chapters as possible.

__

A rather distraught looking blonde elf twirled strands of his hair in his fingers and tugged hard. He did not want to lose his job but he didn't want to date the ugly, stumpy little dwarf. What should he do? Maybe Aragorn would know… he always somehow managed to step on Elrond's toes and got away with it…Haldir began typing busily…

To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

Subject: I need some advice

Hey Strider,

I need some advice, and I mean good advice. Not like telling me that waxing my legs is less painful than shaving them. Galadriel just ordered me to take your stunted dwarf on romantic candlelit dinner. I can't be caught dead with him; do you have any idea what it will do to my reputation? It took me centuries to get to where I am now! If I disobey Galadriel she'll make me become one of Celeborn's new toy boys and do you know what THEY have to wear as a uniform? A purple sparkly g-string! I'd rather wear pink, frilly petticoats. What do you reckon I should do man?

Haldir

P.S. The password is Galadriel is the coolest and you didn't hear it from me.

* * *

__

Aragorn smirked as he typed self-importantly on Frodo's laptop. Oh how the hobbits gazed up at him with their soft, brown, puppy-dog eyes that were brimming over with gratitude and admiration. It really all depended on who you knew didn't it? Well, he couldn't help being the handsome, clever, popular little thing he was. He supposed he'd better reply to Haldir since he owed him one…

To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

Subject: Advice

Hey Haldir,

Thanks for the tip off! I do have some good and useful advice for you. Unless you don't mind wearing purple g-strings for the rest of your life, you'd better go out on a date with Gimli. He actually isn't that disgustingly grotesque and if you don't want to be seen with him just wear a cloak and keep it on for the whole date. If anyone asks, say you've got this rare illness that causes anyone who looks directly into your eyes to turn to stone. Sort of like a Medusa, Basilisk sort of disease. It's worked for me before. 

Another thing you could do is run away from the Woods, have extensive plastic surgery to render you unrecognisable, illegally obtain a new ID and live wherever you like. That's worked for me too, that's why I have so many names and managed to look like I'm in my thirties when I'm really in my fifties. 

Aragorn

__

* * *

Haldir shook his head at the computer screen and glanced over his shoulder furtively to make sure that Galadriel or Celeborn were making one of their unexpected inspections around the workplace. If they caught anyone surfing the Internet, they usually enjoyed hanging the culprit up by their earlobes to see how far they could stretch them. It had happened to his cousin and it was not pretty at all. The coast was clear. His fingers flew over the keyboard quickly…

To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

Subject: Re: Advice

Your advice was so good *cough cough not* you should start your own advice column. But since I really can't think of a way out of this, I am going to have to take Gimli out on a date. I shudder at the thought. What do you think I should wear?

* * *

__

Aragorn typed in reply, with slight irritation. Some people just couldn't appreciate the amount of thought that he'd put into those carefully typed words…

To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com 

Subject: Recommendation

Mate, maybe you should ask Legolas for advice on what you wear unless you want to go for the grunge look like me. 

* * *

__

Haldir typed quickly on his computer, trying to look busy whilst Galadriel patrolled the office/tree/place. He thought about Aragorn's recommendation to go for the grunge look. He smiled wryly to himself, no thanks I'll pass. Legolas would definitely have more fashion sense and advice; he wondered why he hadn't asked the elf earlier.

To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

Subject: Could you help me?

Hey Legolas,

I need some advice. How would you turn a dwarf off you on a first date? Like what you would wear and say. Should I wear my hair up or down? 

Haldir

* * *

__

Legolas rubbed his hands together in glee; all his plans were coming along magnificently. He should have been born a dark lord, he definitely would make a better one then Sauron and would be better looking and have hordes of Elven maidens waiting on him hand and foot. That was an interesting thought indeed… Frodo was sleeping so peacefully, he'd never realise that he had taken the ring until he woke up by mid-afternoon (lazy slob) and he would be miles away by then… Nah, that would just require too much effort and planning, besides, he would probably turn into a flaming eyeball eventually. 

To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com 

Subject: RE: Could you help me?

Hey Haldir,

You know I am starting to learn a great deal about the Dwarven culture from Gimli so I should know exactly what he likes and dislikes. You are in luck my friend! If you think about it, all Dwarf women have beards, are short, stumpy and are usually unidentifiable from their male counterparts until one gets up close and personal. Naturally, Gimli would be more attracted to people who have lots of facial hair and are short and ugly. You are the opposite to all of these so he wouldn't be very attracted to you in the first place. 

To further ensure that you turn him off completely, I suggest that you wear some nice smelling perfume, wear something pink and frilly and a ribbon in your hair. Dwarf women are not in touch with their feminine side at all therefore you should get in touch with yours. I guarantee that he will be running screaming and pulling at his beard by the end of the night! You should also try to appear intellectual because all dwarves are dumb and be as charming as possible, they have no manners whatsoever so he'll believe that you are plotting something against him. 

Serenading him is a must; he will be totally embarrassed by the public humiliation. Have fun!

Legolas

* * *

__

Galadriel laughed evilly as she forwarded all the emails she had accessed from Haldir's account to her husband. These were as good as the ones he sent her from Elrond begging for help.

To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

Subject: You'll love these!

Click on the attachment to view the text.

* * *

__

Celeborn's side were still aching from laughing hard when he'd read the attachment that Galadriel sent him about two hours ago. 

To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

Subject: RE: You'll love these

These are great, I couldn't stop laughing but you really should learn how to use your birdbath/mirror/bowl of water to spy on other people instead of hacking. Saruman and Sauron have managed to learn how to work their palantirs. 

Legolas is a cunning little boy isn't he? Someone should give him a good spanking…

* * *

__

Galadriel scowled at the computer screen and typed swiftly in reply

To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com 

From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com

Subject: Don't you dare spank him

No way can you have that spunky underage son of Thranduil's. He is mine, MINE!!! I'M SPANKING HIM, understand? Don't try messing with me or else I'll use Nenya on you. 

* * *


	8. Dinner dates and suspicions

Disclaimer: All characters and the plot and main story line belong to Tolkien. I own only the email addresses. By the way, I am so so sorry I took forever to update especially to Kiwi05 who had to go to the trouble of emailing me to remind me that there actually might have been people waiting to see what happened next. I had major writer's block by the way and please give me ideas for email addresses especially for the upcoming Rohirrim. Constructive criticism is appreciated, I apologize to whoever mentioned that the spanking got a bit too much. Now that I look back at it…

Inside a quiet little Chinese restaurant, Haldir huddled under his silk, frilly, baby pink cloak that had been decorated with sequins and ribbons. Hot pink would have been more atrocious but it would have been too much, his sister's cloak was already shocking enough. Why wasn't he repulsing that ugly dwarve despite following Legolas' advice to the letter? He typed an email to Gimli; he wanted this evening to be over as soon as possible. He looked around furtively praying that no one at the restaurant recognised him as he typed at the computer…

To: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com 

From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

Subject: Tonight's date

Dear Gimli,

I hope you enjoyed yourself tonight. The dinner was… unforgettable. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle another date like this again…it was fueled with such intense emotions! Unfortunately, I have an early shift tomorrow morning so I'll have to cut this um… wonderful date short so I can get some sleep. I cannot function on less than er…23 hours sleep! I'm afraid I can't walk you home tonight I am in such a big rush, maybe another night. If I do not see you before you leave on your quest I will say my good-byes now. GOOD BYE!

Haldir

* * *

Gimli smiled and blushed but it was impossible for anyone observing to detect it since he had a large amount of facial hair covering his whole face. He couldn't believe that such a charming and handsome elf lord would actually find him attractive! Sure he usually went for the small furry ones that didn't talk back but Haldir was just completely different to anyone else who actually paid him attention. He peered up at Haldir through his helmet and fluttered his eyelashes at the blonde elf. He wasn't sure if his date could see anything from under that very feminine pink hood that was completely covering his face, but it was still worth a try. 

To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com 

From: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com 

Subject: RE: Tonight's date

Dearest Haldir,

Tonight's date has been really special to me. I've been getting some very positive vibes from you and I feel that we really connect. Unfortunately, I must continue with the quest so I will be leaving you soon. But I still feel that we should not hold anything back at all from this wonderful relationship that we have. I understand that Elves dislike grieving very much since you have the rest of eternity to mope but isn't it better to have loved and lost rather than not to have loved at all? Do not worry, I will try to survive so I can come back to you eventually!

I would like to have a chance to say goodbye to you properly before the rest of the fellowship leaves. A chance where we can have _complete privacy_. I know it's a little difficult for you to be seen with me because I am a dwarf but just remember that elves can be with humans if they choose to so why not dwarves. 

My heart continues to beat faster every time I think of you,

Gimli

* * *

Merry looked around quickly to make sure that no elves were in the room with him as he sculled some Elvish wine down to calm his nerves. He typed an email to Pippin quickly…

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Disturbing suspicions

Hey Pippin,

You know the other day how I was climbing a tree to "look for a very rare species of mushrooms" but was really trying to spy on Legolas having a bath again. Did you think that Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel were acting suspiciously because they were climbing that tree as well and they had a really guilty look on their face when they saw me staring at them? I think I wasn't the only one spying on The Elven prince…

When they climbed down after exclaiming invigorating it was to climb a tree I heard them talking to each other in Elvish and I heard Legolas' name mentioned and the Elvish word for "what a hottie". Do you think I'm just imagining the worst?

Merry

* * *

Pippin was chuckling to himself as he replied to Merry's email. This was a very interesting development in the now love-hexagon: Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Boromir and now Galadriel and Celeborn…

To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

Subject: RE: Disturbing suspicions

Whoa dude…

I think your suspicions are right. I mean, why would The Lord and Lady of Lothlorien risk getting their designer clothes dirty by climbing trees. You know what Frodo told me the other night; he told me that the One Ring allowed him to hack into their email accounts. He read some of the emails that they had been sending to each other and some of them have mentioned Legolas in a somewhat promiscuous way. It seems they have been searching the Internet for any pictures of him but they couldn't find any so they've been trying to get a small camera installed in his room and his bathroom. But with his keen eyesight he keeps finding them and getting rid of them.

By the way, since when did you learn how to speak Elvish?

Pippin

* * *

Merry pulled out his bag of dried mushrooms and ate a handful. He had told himself that he would save those mushrooms for an emergency where he was about to starve to death but this _was an emergency! His worst fears had just been confirmed! Elves had a crush on Legolas and with Legolas mentioning once that he preferred Elves to other species, he was sure to succumb to their advances. Both Galadriel and Celeborn had experience and *gulp* the offer of completely new experiences on their side. Merry thought that he was about to cry soon. _

To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com

From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com

Subject: Re: Re: Disturbing suspicions

I can't speak Elvish, I only picked up a couple of words and phrases from Aragorn and Arwen and a couple of elvish ladies who constantly said "what a hottie" whenever Legolas was mentioned or spotted. 

Anyway lets get off the depressing subject. How do you think the date between Gimli and Haldir went? Have they realised yet that Legolas was messing with them? Oh no! I changed the topic from Legolas only to return back to him! I'm going to go drown my sorrows and try to forget him. I'm off to meet some Elvish Ladies who thought that I was adorable.

Merry


End file.
